Summer 1999 - News in Psychic Counseling

 

MEN - LOVE - INTEGRITY
This is NOT an oxymoron!

Ladies, take heart.  Men, take notes.  But first take a pop quiz:

1. Women generally form deeper love relations than men do.
True___ False___

2. Women hold on to lost loves much longer than men do.
True___ False___

3. Given the chance, most men would be unfaithful to their partners.
True___ False___

4. Men obsess more over a sports team than over their romantic partner.
True___ False___

If you answered 'true' to most of the questions, statistically you may be correct, and our society certainly does promote those notions.  But I know of a different type of man, one that may surprise you.  I know I was surprised when I uncovered them - and encouraged, and more than a little proud of my gender.

I am a psychic counselor with 20-years experience and a list of clients that includes nearly 3,000 men and women.  By far the most common and most emotional concern they bring me is romance and relationship.  I have spent hundreds of hours listening to stories of heartbreaking romance, unrequited love, obsessions over long-lost affairs, and all manner of wrenching pain.  To my surprise, the clients who fell these passions the strongest are...  the men!

Granted, the men who come to me are by nature perhaps different from the norm, making this far from a representative sampling.  But they do represent a very real and present type - the romantic man.

How do you spot one?

Commitment
One characteristic of a romantic man is his deep sense of commitment and loyalty.  Take Ross, for example, a client of mine.  This unusually handsome, wealthy man with an enviable lifestyle also had a wife slowly dying of a terminal disease.  I knew and worked with Ross over a period of several years, during which he stoically took charge of the family, the situation, and his desires for another woman whom he loved deeply.  Never did he waiver; never did he 'cheat;' never did he lose sight of the commitment he had made to his wife years before.  And when his wife did finally die and his potential lover had married another man, he remained solid and stoic, and of all things, grateful that he had experienced love from not one but two women.

Flowers and Candy
Our culture would have us believe that it's women who get gooey and mushy over love, but the men I refer to win this prize hands down.  They're the ones who show up with two dozen roses on Valentine's Day or surprise their significant other with a portable hot tub delivered to the backyard.  One of my romantic male clients actually baked an emerald bracelet into a cake, then presented it to his wife-to-be.  “Baked from scratch, too,” he boasted.

I've listened for hours as men describe the lengths they've gone to create a romantic scene.  They've told me all about their convoluted plots of seduction, their hand-wringing over finding just the right gift.

Sincere Courting
And what is all this romance leading up to, you must be wondering slyly?  Are these men going to all this work just to get you in bed?  Believe it or not, the answer is no.  When I first found this out, I was dumbfounded.  But the fact is there are men out there who actually want to court a partner, to get to know the other person before complicating the situation with sex.

Over the years, I've counseled dozens of men who've gone to great lengths to get in a woman's good graces.  They've taken long trips with potential partners, camped on remote mountains with them, even taken them home to see mother - yet contained their sexual desire out of respect for the woman and the potential relationship.  They want a relationship, not a one-night-stand.  It may be hard to believe, but it's true.

I counseled with Jon several sessions while he gushed over his new-found love.  When I knew they were to spend two nights tent camping, I asked how he would avoid sex knowing his goal for the trip was to get to know each other on a deeper level.  He had solved the problem in his true male, business-like fashion.  He would make it clear that while he longed for sex, he refused to engage in unsafe sex practices until they had both been 'cleared' by a blood test for HIV.  Apparently this rule gave him the freedom to fully express his sexual desires so there was no misunderstanding of his ultimate intent, yet it gave him the distance to not cross that sex line which had in the past upset his relationships.  And when he and his partner finally decided their relationship was on solid footing, they had their first sexual experience with a great deal of ceremony and symbolism...  along with a clean bill of health from their doctors!

Spirituality
Many of these male romantics have a strong, simple spiritual belief, though most would never call it that and some would wince at the word.  Most aren't religious in the traditional sense but nearly all hold a simple belief in powers beyond the normal range, powers that can make love happen or bring them to the perfect mate.

You can find these men in liberal churches such as New Thought or Unitarian, but most often you can see them in New Age bookstores, metaphysical shops, or even libraries.  These men read, search, learn all the time.  Many of them even write!  In my many years as a counselor, nothing touched me more than to have a heartsick man bring me a poem he's written about his experience of wanting love.  And often it's well written!  Or there is Richard, who is writing a book in the hopes it will bring closure to a relationship he dearly wanted.  Even though she is long gone and with another man, Richard is unable to move on and is tortured by thoughts of her returning.  In our latest counseling, session, he admitted he has enrolled in a writing course at the university in hopes of purging the love demon by putting down on paper what he has gone through.  Perhaps it will.  Or at least it will occupy the time while the wound heals naturally!

Success and Integrity
As if these guys don't have enough going for them, most of those I've come across also have a successful career and are at or near the top of their field.  Integrity is what it's all about, apparently.  These are men who have found that some of the old tried and true virtues that worked in their successful businesses also work in their relationships...  honesty, hard work, perseverance, passion.  These are men who rigidly hold to their desire for deep love and let nothing cheapen it or lessen it.

Quiet Loners
So where can you find these men?  That's the challenge.  They tend to be quiet loners, at least compared to the stereotypical barhopping man on the make.  Since many have successful careers, one way to find them is by looking up...  find the successes in the workplace.  In addition, these romantics usually have a strong interest in something outside of work - community projects, service organizations, and hobbies.  One of my favorite clients, Ted, was a high school and college jock and then a professional football player of some note.  He burst my image of the testosterone laden meathead type when he complained pathetically that it is difficult for him to meet women because his work on a national nonprofit board for troubled youth keeps him so busy.  He would only want to date a woman who was as committed as he to helping disadvantaged youth either in her career or at least in her community work.

These men also take care of their bodies, so look for them at the gym, on the court, in the pool, under the weights.  You'll recognize them by their unusual dedication to fitness without being obsessed by it.

But remember, these men are often shy, and they probably won't make the first move, out of that strong sense of integrity they're known for.  They might rather write a poem about you to read quietly and secretly rather than boldly ask you out, so now is not the time for you to become hesitant or demure.  Introduce yourself.  Ask about the book he's reading.  Volunteer to work on his committee.  Let him know your interests, passions, and successes.  Be bold.  Simply meet him on his own turf.  Make yourself visible and interested.  These men may be quiet but they are far from stupid.  They are strong and are looking for strength, so show it however you can.  And perhaps soon you will be partnered with one of these possibly rare, but certainly viable prizes - a truly romantic man of integrity.

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